So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
