remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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