She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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