He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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