I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
