I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
