piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
