I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
