I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
