I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
