nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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