The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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