I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
