Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
