Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
