Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i think my cat just said my name.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
