you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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