Ketchup is God's man juice
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
