He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
