we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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