somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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