I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
