shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
