I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
