there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
