dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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