Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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