Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
