Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
