dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
