Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
