no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
