i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
