Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
