How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Please don't give away my fajitas
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
