I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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