I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
