so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
