You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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