Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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