it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
