Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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