Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
