This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
