turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
