like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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