one might say we're banned from that church
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
