Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
