You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
smell my finger.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
