i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
