Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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