Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
